A realisation (I have a lot of these.)

I have a lot I want to get done before I start on this project. My house and finances are in chaos, and I want to clear the chaos so I don’t have to lose precious writing-time dealing with it. This is hard for me because it’s pushing all of my procrastination buttons.

So I was doing some Shiva Nata this morning and had a realisation about why I procrastinate.

I’ve somehow got the idea that if I feel burdened, the only way out is to collapse under it. There’s no possibility of putting it down or lightening it or making it easier to carry. Every task HAS to be done, and the only way out is to fail to cope, because choosing to cut myself some slack would be unforgivable.

And I’ve got the idea that if I succeed at a task, I’ve proved I can do it, so I have no excuse for not doing it perfectly all the time for the rest of my life – and I have no excuse for any of my past failures either. I’ve proved that I could have done it all if I’d only TRIED.

This puts me under an intolerable burden of guilt for the past and fear of the future, and the only way out is to fail to cope, thus proving that I can’t do it after all.

So here are the things that I need to teach myself:

Cutting myself some slack is much better than failing to cope – it’s kinder to me and those around me, and actually more productive. And the third option, being perfect all the time, is not an option!

I need more self-forgiveness and a sense of proportion and humour, so that I can bear to cut myself slack, rather than lose control so it’s ‘not my fault’. Actually? Needing downtime and having limits is NOT my fault, it’s how human beings work!

Succeeding at one thing does not mean I have to always be perfect, or that I should have always been perfect. That’s impossible. One success is one success. That’s all. It doesn’t take away my permission to be where I’m at. Nothing takes away¬†my permission to be where I’m at.

I might take the plunge and try this amazing self-forgiveness exercise that Havi just posted…

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4 thoughts on “A realisation (I have a lot of these.)

  1. OMG, you’re writing about me!
    “Nothing takes away my permission to be where I’m at.” I need to make a sign. I need to put this in the Book of Me. I need to tattoo it on my hand (invisibly).

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