Conscious Sneaky Permission

With one day to go before I start my project, I’ve been thinking a lot about Havi’s advice to ‘enter as you want to be in it‘, which I’ve really not taken. I’ve just been flailing along in the same state of chaos and avoidance that I’ve been in ever since I settled on this project.
 
So today I sat down and had a think about what needs I’ve been trying to meet with the avoidance-flail, and I came up with: permission.
 
Permission not to meet others’ expectations.
Permission not to meet my own expectations.
Permission to rest.
Permission to play.
Permission to give myself what I want.
Permission not to force myself to do anything.
Permission not to be ready to surrender to God. (Also? Surrender is gross. I need a word that’s not ‘surrender’.)
 
All of these permissions – without exception – are ones I have huge trouble giving myself. Heck, I have huge trouble even acknowledging that I want them, let alone that I have any right to want them. That level of self-compassion is so terrifyingly extreme to me that my brain just slides off it. So I took a sneaky route. I snuck permission in but I disguised it from myself. Nothing to see here! We’re just not thinking about why we’re not thinking about why we’re not doing anything!
 
So now I need to work on achieving Conscious Sneaky Permission. That is, consciously noticing and meeting my needs, but still sneaking around so I don’t set off my ‘UGH YOU DISGUSTING SELF-LOVING BUFFOON, WHY DON’T YOU JUST SLATHER YOURSELF IN CHOCOLATE AND LICK IT OFF IF YOU LUUUUUURVE YOURSELF SO MUCH’ buttons.
 
Unconscious sneaky permission goes like this:
 
1) I’m exhausted.
2) I can’t possibly think about the fact that I need rest, because rest is gross and for the weak.
3) I feel strangely out of control. Can’t imagine why.
4) Oh no, I seem to be lying on the floor doing nothing.
5) Get up. GET UP. Why am I not getting up? HOW CAN I BE SO USELESS?
6) Now I’ve completely lost faith in my ability to move my own body. I may be stuck here for hours.
 
Whereas CONSCIOUS sneaky permission might go like this:
 
1) I’m exhausted.
2) This means I need rest. Ugh! Rest! Thinking about rest is hard!
3) Okay, what can I do to enable myself to think about rest without getting freaked out and disgusted?
4) Pretend I’m on a dangerous journey, and one of the party always has to keep watch, so I need to sleep now so I can take care of my comrades later. So really, sleeping is a tough and unselfish thing to do! Yeah!
5) How long could I give myself permission to sleep for without getting freaked out and disgusted?
6) 20 minutes. Okay. I’m giving myself permission to have 20 minutes of sleep.
 
We’ll see how that works…

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